The saying, “There is nothing worse than a reformed smoker” applies even more intensely when dealing with sexual addicts. While it is true that early recovery requires a clear and well-defined sexual plan and often may require a period of celibacy, I never cease to be amazed by the degree of judgment, sexual anorexia and fear that can be generated by sex addicts who actually chose to engage in some form of sex in their early part of recovery. Desperate to ‘do it right,’ knowing the stakes are very high, most sex addicts have good reasons to be guarded about their early sexual choices and behaviors. However, what often gets dragged into the sexual decision making process is the perfectionism, shame and self-hatred which drove the addictive behaviors in the first place. While the first few months of sexual recovery necessarily require somewhat rigid boundaries, beyond that it is essential to help addicts negotiate the line between healthy sexual recovery and a healthy nurturing self.
As long as a sex addict is having indiscriminate and addictive sex, he or she can’t see how his own deeper emotional needs often go unmet, especially as continued sexual acting out provides so many reasons for feeling shameful, like a failure and self-hatred. Much of the important work of recovery happens when the painful longing of the addicts’ unmet emotional needs become exposed and accepted for what they are–old, intolerable feelings of loneliness, fear and sadness, which only happens through years of healthy community building, 12-step work and good therapy. In early recovery however, sex addicts often continue to express various forms of control issues and self-hatred, utilizing perfectionism, judgment of self, others and strong black and white views of what makes up healthy sexuality.
One part of the self-love essential to help reverse a lifetime of abuse, neglect and trauma needs to be directed toward the addiction itself. Despite all the negative behaviors, the losses and the harm caused by the addiction, recovering sex addicts need to find ways to love and value the addict within themselves even if the desire to act out remains active. If the desire to sexually act out, indeed the addiction itself can be re-conceived as emotional alarm bells that exist there to inform the addict that he is having some kind of legitimate need (to eat, to get hugs, to rest, to reflect, to grieve , etc.). Then the addiction can really be seen as an ally, a part of the self to be valued and appreciated, not disparaged. As long as he or she responds to these addictive longings by reaching out, perhaps calling someone in recovery, going to a 12-step meeting, therapy etc, thereby replacing shameful behavior with self-nurturing and healthy attachments, then the call of the addict will have been served and is deserving of appreciation.
