Robert Weiss, Founding Director of the Sexual Recovery Institute, issues statement regarding Tiger Woods and consequences of serial adultery on spouses
Despite well-intentioned advice from friends and families, expert on sexual addition says that spouses and families affected by infidelity should not take action right away unless faced with physical or psychological harm
LOS ANGELES, Calif., Dec. 16, 2009 — Robert Weiss, founding director of Sexual Recovery Institute, today issued the following statement regarding the Tiger Woods scandal, cautioning observers to consider the impact that serial infidelity and sexual addiction have on spouses, such as Elin Nordegren:
“Most of the healing work we do in the treatment of sexual addiction and intimacy disorders involves wives betrayed by unfaithful husbands. We have observed that many who advise friends and loved ones reeling from the disclosure of infidelity and adultery encourage them to choose a quick end to a painful relationship. However, experience has shown us that as long as the couple and their children are physically and psychologically safe, it is usually best to not take any actions right away.
“This is a timely issue as there are a multitude of opinions floating out there about how Elin Nordegren should or should not proceed with her marriage. The truth is that none of us are walking her shoes right now except her. Spouses and partners who have been sexually betrayed are filled with every challenging emotion imaginable, often including shame and self-blame.
Those grieving the loss of intimacy and commitment brought about by serial adultery make better decisions for themselves and their children when those decisions are made privately, over time and within the safety of therapy, treatment, clergy and family support. Reactive decisions evolving out of intense shame, anger and hurt are rarely good ones. The way to best care for spouses grieving this kind of loss is to offer non-judgmental support and validation for all of their feelings, gently encouraging them to slowly grieve their losses and decide how to proceed over time.
“None of us here at the Sexual Recovery Institute have ever met Elin Nordegren, and as such can’t offer direction or therapeutic opinions regarding her specific situation. However, as we specialize in the treatment of those who betray their spouses and those spouses themselves, we do have insight into how those situations affect the individual.
“Uncovering the extent of a trusted spouse’s sexual secrets is a devastating injury to self, home and family. Like the after-effects of a major physical trauma, it will be many months of not years before this kind of emotional injury will fully heal. In the early stages of this process it can be insulting and injurious to a betrayed wife or partner to assume that the problems in their relationship must be in part related to some psychological defect on their part. Serial infidelity and sexual betrayal are issues that even the healthiest of adults have trouble resolving.
“Spouses and partners who are experiencing profound recent betrayal often have symptoms mimicking or meeting clinical criteria of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PTSD) and as such can be highly reactive to what seem on the surface to be unrelated and mundane events. Situations as seemingly innocuous as finding an unknown e-mail or seeing a seductively dressed stranger can be an intense trigger for a whole cycle of emotions. These men and women frequently become hypervigilent, becoming detectives in their own homes. They find themselves desperately searching through phone records and bank statements for some clue whether to trust or not trust again. Innocent situations such as a husband or partner being a few minutes late or not answering a cell phone feel re-traumatizing and spouses can react as if the initial problem is occurring all over again.
“In the rollercoaster of emotions betrayed spouses and partners experience when first learning of betrayal, we stand on the side of their attending first to their own healing. Group support can’t be underestimated and those who have had to resolve similar losses are excellent sources of encouragement and empowerment for each other. Advice about what a person should do in such a situation, however well intended, can be detrimental to someone suffering such an injury, and we instead encourage respectful support and validation.”
Weiss is available to render expert opinion and commentary about the subject of sexual addiction and treatment for individuals and couples. Contact http://www.SexualRecovery.comfor more information.
About Sexual Recovery Institute
Sexual Recovery Institute (SRI) is the leading recovery center for sexual addiction and unhealthy compulsive behaviors in the United States. Founded in 1995 by Robert Weiss, SRI offers intensive outpatient programs, ongoing therapy, and services for professionals including workshops, seminars, and program development.
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