Recently I was driving up Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood, an area I typically avoid as a native Angeleno. Snarled in traffic, I merely had to lift my gaze an inch or two and I was assailed by the collective efforts of marketing firms and corporations. One billboard caught my eye in particular: an advertisement for a popular Las Vegas casino featuring the curvilinear naked back and buttocks of a woman, covered in kanji tattoos, proclaiming the slogan “Where every night is a happy ending!” Wow, that was subtle. For the uninitiated, this is a reference to “sensual massage” parlors, where a client pays to be masturbated by a massage therapist as the culmination of his service. Ahem.
In our groups for partners and spouses of sex addicts at SRI, we often devote much of our time to discussing the cultural messages that seem to encourage or even promote sexual misbehavior. For many partners, these cultural messages function as triggers that effectively throw them back into the trauma of their partner’s addiction. One woman shared recently that she was shocked at a billboard featuring David Duchovny, an admitted sex addict, arranged lasciviously around the nubile limbs of young college co-eds, for his show Californication. The other members of the group grimaced in understanding, some wondering aloud how Duchovny’s spouse feels about him acting on a show in which he plays a sex addict imitating life or the other way around? The Nip/Tuck billboards are another subject of consternation, featuring women in various states of undress alongside clothed doctors and sharp surgical instruments.
While no one was suggesting censorship, there is lively discussion around the social responsibility (or lack thereof) of advertisers and public space such as billboards. Though many of these splashy ad campaigns take a certain element of a show or establishment out of context and then sex it up, the message is clear: sexuality devoid of human connection, and glorification of same. Many of the women worried about the effects these messages had on their vulnerable addict husbands and partners, as well as cringing themselves whenever they drove by (especially with their children in tow).
It goes almost without saying that external triggers such as sexualized billboards don’t cause a sex addict to act out, any more than the presence of bars and liquor ads cause an alcoholic to drink. Yet they do create a sexualized climate that can be unhelpful to those in recovery, as well as their families. So the question is, how can these potential triggers be transformed into tools of recovery and healing?
1. Don’t be there: One tactic is to simply avoid driving through areas that are studded with such billboards or other sexual advertising. Try alternate routes.
2. 3 Second Rule: Otherwise known as “Alert, Avert, and Affirm” and helpful to both addicts and partners. First, notice you are triggered by a visual. Second, turn away, avert your eyes, cross the street, turn around. Third (and this is the most important part), either say a positive affirmation to yourself (”I am recovering with the help of others” or “I am an imperfect and worthwhile human being”) or send a healing wish to that person (”I release you from my objectification of you”).
3. Mindful Breathing: Register that you are triggered. Take a few deep, “Buddha Belly” breaths, focusing on the slow rise and fall of your stomach as you take in air and release it.
4. Grounding Exercise: Take a deep breath, then rub your hands together, focusing on the sensation in your palms. Take in your surroundings and identify four things that are green. Identify four different textures. Breathe deeply once more.
5. Reach Out: Call a recovery friend or sponsor, and talk about the trigger and the reasons why your recovery is so important to you, you won’t let it derail you. Ask your friend for suggestions on positive things you can do in lieu of acting out or letting your entire day be affected by the trigger.
