In this brief video, sex addiction expert and founding director of L.A. based Sexual Recovery Institute, Robert Weiss, offers advice and resources for spouses of sex addicts, as well as educational information for treatment, recovery, and support options.
Spouses of Sex Addicts Informational Video from Robert Weiss on Vimeo.
Sex addiction expert and founding director of L.A. based Sexual Recovery Institute, Robert Weiss, has appeared on numerous television broadcasts to discuss and provide commentary on sexually addictive and intimacy disorders. In this video Weiss can be seen on Larry King Live, Oprah, Inside Edition and others.
Robert Weiss Reel from Robert Weiss on Vimeo.
1. Be careful: tell only those you trust. Addicts say that in deciding whether to tell someone, they key criterion is this: how do you trust that person?
2. Wait. Even after having decided to tell someone, take time to think over your decision before actually going through with it.
3. Know your motives. What payoffs do you seek? Do you want support or are you looking for approval?
4. Do it if you can help others with the same problem. Sharing with people who need to be in the program or who already are in the program helps them and the group as well as you yourself.
5. Remember, it is not necessary to tell many people at all. You don’t have to tell–even when people ask or pry.
6. You must tell your therapist, family and the people closest to you. It would be unfair to them if you did not share something this significant. Besides, these people are all vital to your healing process. You might consult your therapist about appropriate points to make in talking with your family and friends.
7. When in doubt, check with your sponsor and your group. They can provide the support you need to make safe decisions.
8. Mistakes will happen. All addicts tell someone they later wish they had not told. It is okay to make a mistake.
A few of us at the Sexual Recovery Institute had the pleasure of attending MaleSurvivor’s bi-annual “Healing & Hope” international conference over the weekend. The conference was held at the Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York City.
Originally geared toward clinicians and behavioral health professionals, many of whom were survivors, the conference has grown to include survivors and their loved ones, attorneys, law enforcement professionals, legal advocates, researchers, educators, and students.
Rob presented a few lectures throughout the conference on “Understanding Adult Sexual Offending,” “Addiction & Detachment as Emotional Survival,” and “Understanding & Healing from Sex and Porn Addiction.”
I took some pictures throughout the conference including this one of Rob:
How do you work through feelings of guilt and shame? First, you identify what those feelings are.
You feel guilt over something you do. If you tell someone a lie, you may feel guilty. You can overcome those feelings of guilt, however, by apologizing or making amends. Think of guilt as a moral conscious: If I know I’m going to feel guilty after I’ve done something … I might be less inclined to do it.
You feel shame over who you are. It is felt at a much deeper level and can develop from compounded feelings of guilt.
For instance, if I tell you a lie – I feel guilty. I can relieve my guilt, however, by apologizing to you and being truthful from that point on.
But if I tell you a lie repeatedly… and if I lie to everyone I know, something happens that transcends guilt. I develop the core belief that I don’t just tell lies – I’m a liar. And from that core belief stems shame.
Repeated actions for which I feel guilty bring on intense feelings of shame.
I don’t just steal. I’m a thief.
I don’t just cheat. I’m a cheater. Or, I’m untrustworthy in relationships. I’m unworthy. I’m unlovable. I’m bad.
It is simple to move out from under this dark cloud of shame — But not easy.
Each day you don’t tell a lie carries you one step further away from your shame based identity of being a liar.
Each day you don’t cheat moves you away from being a person who’s untrustworthy.
Each day in recovery restores your sense of integrity and heals you from the shame that developed when you were active in your addiction.
I said this is simple – but not easy. It doesn’t have to be overwhelming, however, if you break it down to one day at a time – or better yet – one action at a time.
When faced with a decision, stop and ask yourself “What’s the next best thing I need to do to stay in my recovery?” And then follow your inner voice.
Step 1
Become a young sports superstar. Make sure your family teaches you the importance of being loved for performance, rather than who you are. Improve upon your talent but stop growing emotionally.
Step 2
Find yourself insulated from day-to-day personal growth lessons because you are increasingly surrounded by those more concerned about your athletic performance and earning potential than your growth as a man.
Step 3
Encourage the world to idealize you while getting paid to do so. Polish your image by having your face appear on billboards and ad campaigns all over the world. Then get caught up in the feeling of invincibility that flows from having a lot of money and power. Repeat many times.
Step 4
Isolate yourself further by hanging out with men who are comfortable controlling and manipulating people using power, image and money. Feel special in their presence because they admire your athletic skill- despite the fact that they really don’t know you.
Step 5
Learn to use your emotional deficits to your advantage by hiding behind a manufactured, squeaky-clean and emotionally detached image, while living out a secret double-life of bars, strip clubs and serial infidelity with prostitutes and players. Learn how easy it is to get as much sex and attention you want without having to take the risks that come with intimate friendships and love.
Step 6
Utilize only the best publicists, marketing and PR people to help hide the truth of your personal challenges. Keep your real self under wraps and only reveal yourself when scripted to do so. Come to believe your own hype.
Step 7
Get married and then betray your spouse–often. Break promise after promise made to her and keep a lot of secrets. Spend long periods of time and distance away from home so you can live out your double life and maintain your image. Note that pictures of a loving family life can be used to burnish your image. Make sure to take sleeping pills when on the road and pain pills if injured. Take as many as you need to take in order to keep winning on the course.
Step 8
When the eventual discovery and crisis come about, hide behind the publicity machine and manufactured image that have always worked for you in the past. Try to ignore the problem. When this fails, disappear.
Step 9
Go to treatment and find yourself grieving all that you missed out on as a child. Learn about the life rewards that come only when who you are is more important to you than your performance.
Step 10
Reconcile with your wife in treatment. Admit your wrongs to her and those close to you. Get clean from the inside out. Start feeling hopeful about yourself and your life for the first time in a long time. Begin to connect with your children and realize what really matters in life. Take the time for you that you have let others take from you.
Step 11
Go public with your problem and tell the truth, as you know it. Acknowledge that you will have to go forward living differently. Understand that your words mean little and promises even less. What matters going forward is what YOU DO. Promise to change, to live differently and admit your sins but put no timeline or agenda on it. Don’t let people’s judgments or opinions matter. Let your spirit and hearts of those who love and know you be your guides.
Step 12 A
Don’t go back to work anytime soon. Follow the advice of the professionals who are working with you. Stay the course of treatment and remain deeply involved. Understand that trust is only regained after a very long time – if ever. Be less focused on what others think of you and focus instead on what makes your life and the lives of those you love full, sincere and healthy.
-OR-
Step 12 B
Return to work before you are ready on the advice of professionals who rely on your income for their financial stability. Worry too much about those whose fortunes rise and fall with your own. Become again seduced by the call of fame and fortune as a restorative function, this myth based on your performance – not who you are. Make promises to wife, loved ones and professionals that this time it will be “different.” (Return to step 8 and repeat).
Written by Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT-S
Unfortunately, the answer to all of these questions is yes. More than alcohol or any other drug, crystal meth is associated by its users with significant enhancement of the sexual experience. Researchers report that crystal meth and related amphetamine abuse can cause and/or encourage hypersexual behavior. Studies also show that the time spent in pursuit of any pleasurable activities, when high on crystal meth (amphetamines) is dramatically increased regardless of the nature of such activity. It is no wonder that a substantial majority of relapsing crystal meth addicts attribute relapse and relapse behavior to sexual activity. Ironically, the chronic use of crystal meth to enhance and/or prolong sex can lead to the brain’s inability to properly process dopamine and impede the individual’s ability to experience sober pleasures.
So, does it really matter which came first? Not really. But what does matter is that for many co-addicts just trying to treat one addiction at a time could be very problematic. In order to increase success in recovery, the meth addict, if they are “sex tweakers,” must address the role sex and/or sex addiction plays in the cravings and triggers for crystal meth.
Following up his LA-CAMFT presentation about cybersex, Rob Weiss will be speaking at another LA-CAMFT workshop this Friday, March 12. This lecture will offer more in-depth direction on how to assess, diagnose, and treat cybersex, relationship betrayal, and online porn addiction resulting from Internet porn abuse, online infidelity, compulsive sexuality, and involvement with multiple anonymous partners–concerns that are increasingly present in clients seeking therapy today.
Rob Weiss has been confirmed to speak at the BFI Summit on “Advanced Clinical Training for Therapists and Counselors” held in Savannah, Georgia from March 4-6, 2010. His Saturday morning keynote will be titled, “Lettermans and Tigers and Sanfords, Oh my: Understanding the Treatment of Serial Infidelity, Sex, Porn and Love Addiction.” The following is a description:
In this age of electronic infidelity, smart phones and webcams it has become increasingly more difficult to agree upon exactly what constitutes a violation of an intimate relationship. How can it be cheating if you are chatting online with someone you’ve never even met? And after all, isn’t online porn just another version of your dad’s Playboy? As the upcoming DSM V (release 2012) purports to offer a diagnosis of Hypersexuality (one we have not had previously) now is a good time for therapists to come together to evaluate the reality of sex and love addiction and its affect on intimate relationships. But how can the professionals identify and eradicate sexual acting out in this era of endlessly available casual sex? How can we support and help intervene on relationships where a spouse claims perceived infidelity and emotional abandonment? These questions will be tackled in this entertaining discussion of sex addiction today, with concrete assessment and treatment information made available for further training and referral.
