Over the past few decades, Americans appear to have become more educated about the very real problems of alcoholism and drug addiction. But if popular culture and the response to news stories involving high-profile individuals such as actor David Duchovny or former NY Governor Elloit Spitzer are accurate indicators, when it comes to sex addiction, the mindset of the general public seems to be considerably less enlightened.
Now along comes Celebrity Sex Rehab, Sunday nights on VH-1, a new attempt to explain a very old problem. One of the show co-hosts, Jill Vermeire (LCSW, CSAT) had this to say about the realities of sex addiction and its profound impact on even the most unassuming bystander:
“Dr. Drew Pinksy (host of the show) and the rest of the cast and crew had some pretty strong reactions to the work that was being done. It brought up a lot for everyone. I think I was the only one who could leave at the end of the day and get some sleep, since this is my day to day work, and I hear these stories of trauma and pain regularly. For everyone else sitting in the control room watching the clinical work unfold on their monitors, it was eye opening, moving, and cause for reflection on their own lives and sexuality. The reactions to the clinical work were so strong that several of the crew started asking me for copies of the homework I was giving the patients so they could do it themselves. If they had this kind of reaction, I can only imagine what the viewing audience will feel.”
SEX ADDICTION: THE BASICS
“Addiction is Addiction, whether substance-based [such as alcohol or other drugs] or process based [like, gambling or sex],” said Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT, author and Founding Director of the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles (SRI). Weiss lists several areas in which an addiction to sexual behavior mirrors the problems experienced when one suffers from alcoholism and drug addiction:
- Changes in the brain chemistry of addicts is similar whether they are abusing substances or engaging in addictive behavior.
- Sex Addicts, like drug addicts and alcoholics, lose control over their ability to stop acting out.
- Drug Addicts, Alcoholics, Gambling and Sex Addicts all utilize elaborate systems of denial that allows them to act out on their addition and work to hide it from others.
- Addicted individuals often experiences a lack of nurturing and other forms of emotional, physical or sexual trauma in childhood.
- Multiple addictions often exist simultaneously – both behaviors and substances.
- The process and focus of all addiction treatment is the same, involving a combination of individual and group therapy and treatment, participation in12-Step or other spiritual recovery programs, individual, group and couple’s therapy
Sexual addiction, involves a complex psychological compulsion in which afflicted individuals use sex and the pursuit of sex to distract themselves from typical life stresses and pressures that they are unable to deal with in healthy ways.
Weiss added: “For most adults, healthy sexuality is an integrated life experience. Sex with partners, with self, or as a part of exploring new relationships is usually a pleasurable act of choice. For sexual addicts, however, sexual behavior can be most often defined by words such as driven, compulsive and hidden.”
“Unlike healthy sex that is integrated into relationships, sexual addicts use sex as a means to cope, to handle boredom, anxiety and other powerful feelings or as a way to feel important, wanted or powerful.”
SIGNS OF ADDICTION
Because sex is such a personal experience, and because it plays such a central role in most people’s lives, determining when it crosses the line that separates healthy behavior from addiction necessitated the establishment of certain objective diagnostic criteria.
Weiss and others have described sex addiction in terms of both cause (why a person pursues sexual contact) and effect (the ways in which this behavior affects both the addict and those who care about or depend upon him). The following are the three most definitive indicators that a person has developed an addiction to sex.
- Loss of control – Sex addicts don’t act out because they want to, Weiss said, but because they feel impulsive and driven. Their behavior can take many forms, including losing hours devoted to Internet pornography, sitting in strip clubs or repeatedly driving through deserted streets looking for prostitutes. But at its core, the behavior is the result of a “consistent and persistent loss of control.”
- Consequences – The manner in which an individual responds to negative consequences that result from his behavior gives a strong indication of whether or not he is addicted. A healthy individual will cease activities that threaten to destroy a personal relationship or have serious professional repercussions, Weiss continues: “but the addict says ‘I’m going to find a way to keep doing this without getting caught again.’”
- Obsession/Preoccupation – When sex addicts aren’t acting on their sexual or romantic impulses, they’re most often thinking about when they will. “Clients will say to me: ‘It’s on my mind all the time.’ The constant fantasizing, and the excitement that accompanies thinking about sex, lead to neurochemical changes in their bodies. For many sex addicts, it’s not about actually having sex – it’s the pursuit of sex that gives them their high.”
According to Weiss, it’s important to understand the difference between what is what it isn’t sex addiction– namely, that it is not a matter of morality, deviant behavior, or criminal activity.
“Sex addiction isn’t about who you have sex with or what kind of sex you have – no more than gambling addiction is defined by whether you play blackjack or craps. It is the manner in which the person acts out their sexual interests, their lying to themselves and others about their actions and the way those behaviors become a secret life – that helps define this problem.”
“Sex addiction isn’t about being ‘a bad person,’ and it’s not about who you have sex with or what kind of sex you have” he said. “It’s also not about being a sociopath or being unredeemable,” he continued. “Most sex addicts aren’t criminal offenders or even amoral people – they’re simply caught up in a pattern of troubling dependency that on their own, they can’t escape.”
TREATMENT
Sex addiction can lead an individual down a decidedly dark and isolated path – but with the guidance of an experienced mental health, addiction focused professional, it is possible to overcome this disorder.
“Treatment involves stopping the negative behavior, confronting the patient’s denial about their actions, and challenging the person to get his emotional needs met through healthy interactions with other people.”
Treatment also involves one of the most significant differences between substance addiction and sex addiction – the concept of sobriety. “For sex addicts, sobriety doesn’t mean abstinence – or not having sex, it means having healthy sex – as defined by that person’s life and beliefs. In treatment, we help sex addicts define the kind of sexual boundaries that lead to them integrating a healthy romantic and sexual life.”
Depending upon the nature of one’s addiction, treatment may involve intensive outpatient therapy, 12-step recovery, residential treatment, or a combination of these and other approaches.
For more information about the Sexual Recovery Institute and Robert Weiss, please visit: www.SexualRecovery.com.
