How do you work through feelings of guilt and shame? First, you identify what those feelings are.
You feel guilt over something you do. If you tell someone a lie, you may feel guilty. You can overcome those feelings of guilt, however, by apologizing or making amends. Think of guilt as a moral conscious: If I know I’m going to feel guilty after I’ve done something … I might be less inclined to do it.
You feel shame over who you are. It is felt at a much deeper level and can develop from compounded feelings of guilt.
For instance, if I tell you a lie – I feel guilty. I can relieve my guilt, however, by apologizing to you and being truthful from that point on.
But if I tell you a lie repeatedly… and if I lie to everyone I know, something happens that transcends guilt. I develop the core belief that I don’t just tell lies – I’m a liar. And from that core belief stems shame.
Repeated actions for which I feel guilty bring on intense feelings of shame.
I don’t just steal. I’m a thief.
I don’t just cheat. I’m a cheater. Or, I’m untrustworthy in relationships. I’m unworthy. I’m unlovable. I’m bad.
It is simple to move out from under this dark cloud of shame — But not easy.
Each day you don’t tell a lie carries you one step further away from your shame based identity of being a liar.
Each day you don’t cheat moves you away from being a person who’s untrustworthy.
Each day in recovery restores your sense of integrity and heals you from the shame that developed when you were active in your addiction.
I said this is simple – but not easy. It doesn’t have to be overwhelming, however, if you break it down to one day at a time – or better yet – one action at a time.
When faced with a decision, stop and ask yourself “What’s the next best thing I need to do to stay in my recovery?” And then follow your inner voice.
